lillink1222

I haven't written on here for ages. So that means it deserves a posting.

Last friday we went to Playdium for Youth Group. Ya, it was fun. I had a blast. But at the same time, I was emotionally hurt. And it sent me flying back to a year ago where I was in the exact situation. Now, I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but I have been hurt before and I need to be careful to stop it from happening again.

Anyways, Blair always hangs out with me at youth group. So on Friday, when he didn't talk to me once, it was not... fun. He spent the whole time with James and Alex (and he's told me how much he hates Alex). And when we were leaving, he was on the sidewalk and I was on the pavement. And we looked at eachother and that look.... it pulled out all my insecurities from back when Graham and I were still close and put them on the front counter.

I just don't want that to happen again. Blair and I were so close to becoming really good friends. And now he's hanging out with James and Alex. I'm a clingy person, I know that. I've been told that. I can share a person, but I can't handle someone being pulled completely away from my grasp.

So ya, that's probably enough for now.

Well, today was pretty boring. We really didn't do anything that was interesting.  It was long and boring, seriously. Most of the time I was counting down the hours until the day was over.

The morning sucked. None of my friends talked to me when I was going to my locker, even though their lockers are all around mine. And they didn't talk to me at lunch either.

But I came up with an amazing idea during Geo that I emailed Blair. He better reply, because I actually want to do it.

And so far, that's about it. I think that I might send the link for my LJ to Sam, just cause I'm bored.

I haven't posted here for ages, and I feel kinda bad for it. There's a lot that has gone on, so I need to write about it. And I think I might try to write on here more.

This year has been crazy. And pretty much depressing. For most of the year I've felt like a loner at Bateman. I don't fit in with most of the people and I don't think any of them really care about me. My friends that I do have hate one another and will abandon me at a moments notice. And trust me, they do it about at least once a week.

So when Ama started telling me about her friends at Blakelock, I got jealous. Really jealous.They sounded like really cool people that I wanted to meet, but I'd never get the chance because I was at Bateman. So it started out as a joke that I'd someday get myself to Blakelock.

And then the next cataclysmic even happened at Youth Group. Blair, Sam and Chris started coming. At first, I wasn't really affected. At all. And then World AIDS Day came. It was only like 6 of us or so who were there. And we talked about AIDS and stuff and how we can help. And that's when Blair and I started to become friends. We talked about different things we could do and we came up with a list. I gave Jamie the list the next day, but I haven't heard anything about it yet.

After that, Blair and I pretty much stuck together for the most part.

And then, sometime in February or March, Ama had me meet her friends at Blakelock. And the deal was done, I was coming to Blakelock. They were way better people than those at Bateman. They were people I could actually hang out with and get along with. So that's when I started to really consider the idea in my mind.

Then I got Facebook and that was another big event. Sam and I started talking so much more, to the extent that we've become really good friends over like two months. And like Blair and I, we hang out a lot now.

Over these past two months, I've met so many people from Blakelock that have helped me make up my mind. Hanging out with them, whether it be once a month, ever Friday, or every Friday and Sunday isn't enough. I want to know them better. And I hope the likewise is the same for them.

And then finally, this past Friday, I started talking to Chris. Which was only natural, because he hangs out with Blair and Sam all the time. And the same thing is probably gonna happen for him.

So, this post was basically about everything that has lead me to my decision. I am going to Blakelock next year, and that's that.

And Blair, Sam, and Chris, even though you guys will probably never read this, you guys are amazing friends.

So yesterday we went to the movies. And he was there. He was there. And my heart stopped.

I didn't even realize it until after the movie. There were too many of us. There was one extra person. And I asked myself, "Could it be him?" My heart started to pound. I was getting dizzy. So finally I find out what would happen if we were ever to be re-aquainted. And then he turned around, and it was him.

 I averted my eyes. How could I look at him? But then I looked back, to make sure I was right... And he was there, plain as day. Exactly as I had remembered.

Ugh.... I didn't know what to do. My whole world was crumbling again, just like it had in the past. That face had haunted me for the past 6 months, never knowing what it exactly looked like, but knowing who it belonged to and the fact that it was out there. The whole time I had wanted to see him, yet at the same time, I hadn't.

I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse. My heart wanted to leap out of me, for I had finally seen him! But my heart wanted to turn to stone as well, and never come out because I knew that I would never see that face again.

I wanted to reach out and hit him, slap him. I wanted to get back at him for the pain he had caused me, the nights that I had cried myself to sleep, the days where I  had to stumble on my way to school because I couldn't handle it, the times I had to lie and say that I was okay.

But I wanted to look him in the eyes, and say something to him, anything. I wanted to re-start that bond that we had that held us together so strongly, before it had fallen off the wall and the king's horses and men couldn't put it back together again.

But what did I do? I followed my friends, shaking. Looking at the ground. Not speaking. Turning into a robot, my emotions putting me in autodrive. The whole while my mind was racing. I wanted to cry, but robots can't cry.

And then I had to leave. I looked back, and he was standing there at the side of the street, waving to my other friends. Did he even realize I was there?

"By Graham..." I whispered under my breath....

It's supposed to snow tonight. it makes me happy. And it already snowed today, so there's snow on the ground. That makes me happy as well.

But I need help choosing which novel to write. I have like over 10 that I could write, but I'm going to shorten the list down to... 4. Maybe more. Okay, so I have;

1. Lojestra #1
2. Jeff's Quest #1
3. Land in the sky
4. One Tin Soldier

Okay, so I told the truth. I did have 4 books. Yay. Oh ya, nvm. I have one more.

5. Humpty Dumpty

Eheh... Forgot about that one. And no, it's not about an egg who sat on a wall.

I haven't posted here for ages, but I guess I'll post this. Ama does this quiz all the time and it's so pretty looking.

Okay, so I have a music project that is due today And well, the first thing I have to do is go find my flash drive... Guess what, it's missing! So I have to spend the next 10 minutes running around the house to go find it. Lucky I did find it. Anyways, I'll post the rest of the day later.

Have you ever loved someone, like really loved them, and asked a friend to talk to that person so you could find out if they liked you or anyone else? And then your friend talked to the person you love and asked SPECIFICALLY if they like you? It feels horrible, right?

Well, that's what happened to me today. And I'm really upset about it. It's just like, ARG!

And right now I'm having a really hard time coming up with what to do about my novel. It's so hard to actually settle on any story. And november is just a couple of days away. Seriously, Ama, I need your help ASAP.

I hate it. I hate going back to its evil clutches and having to sit through the evil 6 hour day, doing silly assignments and stupid work. I dunno, maybe it's just because it's monday. But I really don't want to go back to school today. If I was at my old school, then ya, it would be okay. I would have friends to go see and sit beside and hang out with. But not here. Here, I have to sit through the day mostly by myself, floating from person to person who I wouldn't necessarily call friends. Ya, I guess maybe I'm friends with a lot of people. But there isn't a group that I could say I belong to. I'm just a floater, floating along above a very large land mass. And it really drives me insane.

So what are we doing today? Taking up assignments, presenting Shakespeare stuff, being boring. Ya, that's about it.

Ya, so my LJ is really lame. I barely ever post on it. So that sucks. If you read it, post here! Anyways, so I really want to go for a walk. With my camera. Today in church, we walked down to the lake. It was so pretty, all the stormy waves. It was inspiring. And I want to work on my novel. But I need help. I thought of an idea to have all of the different novels in the series to be loosely based on different mythology. What do you guys think?

Okay, so tomorrow is the first meeting of the novel writing club. And I'm the one that started it, so I have to be the one to do the leadership stufff.... EEK!

Yes. My new adventorous project. NaNoWriMo, which is also known as National Novel Writing Month. NaNoWriMo occurs during November, and the challenge is to write a 50 000 word story (not necessarily complete) during one month. No editing, just writing. And letting it flow. And well, I'm gonna do it. Hopefully. I'm soooo excited about it. But I dunno what story I should write. Ani? Lojestra? I dunno. Any ideas??

Omg, I just went back and read my other posts... It makes me sad thinking about all the things we did before. And to think that I'm not gonna have experience like those very often anymore. It sucks, really.

Okay, I'll do better this time. Well, in the first week of school, the first half was really awkward. I kinda was friends with people but for the most part I was by myself. And then a couple days in I decided to jump into a group at lunch, and I made a whole bunch of friends. And the teachers are awesome. They're really nice. But the bus doors don't like me. They never open for me.

Second week was really good. We got projects, and I ended up having to finish and start them the day before they were due. But that's okay. I did pretty well on them. Also, I'm like the only person in my music class who can play their instrument. It's really sad. And to top that, I had to play an instrument with an identity crisis. Yes, my instrument thought it was a different instrument altogether, and it ended up needing different fingerings. So I'm now gonna play my other french horn that I have. Yes, I have two. So many people play french horn in the school that I am the only person who plays both 5 and 1.

And so ya, I have a girlfriend now. And I'm really happy about it. And uh... Ya, that's about it xD I dunno, what else do you want me to say?

And Ama wrote the most recent chapter of WAT!!! YAYAY!!! Seriously, that's so awesome.

Well, right now I'm pretty bored. There's like, nothing to do right now. So I don't know what I'll do for the rest of the day. School has been amazing so far. And we have a field trip on Wednesday to Stratford! w00T! I'm so excited. Yet, it kinda sucks not seeing everyone else all the time... It's so awkward. Everything about high school is awkward. It's different.

Arg, I'm craving ribs right now. REALLY badly. Maybe I'll get some water. Ya, I'll do that once I'm done. Okay, so what to say now... I dunno. I'm not good at this stuff. I need food. Okay, I guess that's it for now. Tah tah (as Mrs. Workman says.)

Well, today is grad. I can't believe it... Finally, after waiting for days and days, it hit me last night while I was falling asleep. Gosh.... It's gonna be so hard for me. So many friends, going off in all sorts of directions. It's almost like when I left Eastview. Except, I hope this time we stay friends...

Today is gonna be a pretty easy day. We go to school, we practice grad, we go home. Then it gets hard. Deliver newspapers, eat, have a nap, have a shower, finish teacher presents, burn the rest of the DVDs, eat, brush my teeth, wash my face, do my hair, get dressed, fix my hair, get my stuff for Jamie's party and then leave... Oh ya, and somewhere in there I need to get rid of all my tears. I really don't want to cry during grad.

So, I'll probably post later today. By for now.

So yay, im eating Smarties. And today was fun. We did the Tango, and my history teacher really wants me to try out for a show now.

So, today was a pretty good day. It started out with me being very stressful. I was so scared about something that I knew I was going to have to face. When I got to school, it was kinda dismissed. Then during music, I finally figured out what I had been waiting ages and ages to know. And to tell you the truth, it definitely was not what I expected. I didn't know what to say, but I knew that I was willing to do anything.

So then language was pretty boring. We just went around from classroom to classroom asking who wanted a yearbook. Then came recess... I wanted to know what was going to happen, but I wasn't told anything else... And that basically made it seem like the end to me. SO, I went and I cried. And I cried. And ya, it was pretty bad. But then he realized that I hadn't meant to do anything at all... So everything worked out well :D

So afterwards we had Mrs. Amm, and we practiced the tango... without music. Let me tell you, it was very scary. Then we had french. Except Graham and I spent the whole time taking pictures. Which reminds me, I should put those on my computer... Then we had lunch. We ate, and then we went outside. We spent a lot of time sitting and watching little kids play. Then Cynthia's bracelet broke, so we spent the rest of the time looking for it.

Afterwards, we had Science. We got our databases back, and I was amazed to see how I did. Then we went and had second Cabaret!!! Thriller was okay, just like always. And then we did Tango, which seemed so natural, even though we haven't done it for two or three months. It wasn't perfect, but everybody loved it. And now Mrs. Amm is having us do it again on Monday, except with costumes!

I watched Thriller and Tango on my TV when I got home, and they looked pretty good. And then I finished my TAG presentation. So now Im just sitting and writing and listening to music... How fun!

Well, it's the morning now. I completed 1000 words yesterday, so I have 8000 left. Today's a half day, yay! Hopefully we're gonna have a "teaparty :P" again today. It was reeeeeeally funny last time.

House was awesome last night! Especially when the girl pooed out of her mouth xD But, so sad, next week is the last episode until a few months from now!

Omg, I found FF:VII for the PC! And it's pretty cheep as well! I'm sooooo totally buying it after I go babysitting on the weekend. Everybody says it's a really good game, and FF:AC was pretty awesome as well.

Well, I'm off now. I'll post again later~!

Well, I'm about to work on my language assignment. It's due next Wednesday and should be about 400 words. Except, last time one person in my class wrote an 8000 word story for it. So, I'm planning on writing a 9000 word story. Sounds like fun, eh?